True Beauty

All my life I believed my father did not love me, and so I did many things to get his attention. No matter how much he helped me I never believed there was an ounce of caring in his heart for me. I found myself goin out to drink because drinking alone was too much of a heart ache, I really didnt enjoy the alchohol but it numbed the pain so that i could be “modern” At the time I was extremely thin, tall as ever, and my face was one that though i have dark hair drew more glances and tripple takes than the made to order blondes. I seaped sex appeal, I found lovers and relationships but I could not love them, unless they were unable to love me. Every night i cried myself to sleep, I was searching for beauty, to possess it and be it so that i would be loved. Secretly i longed for the love of my father. Years went by fast and my desire to be loved became a very sinacal belief, and I was pursed and I did what i wanted and never what i didnt. Until i stopped drinking and started to gain weight, the alchohol didnt make me have a gut or flabby arms, it was my ignorance for excersise and a medication i took to be stable….there in all my pain i broke down and became all the ugliness i feared, I accused somethin serious against my father in a state of delusion. My father was my void, so i believed he was to blame, in the hospital I learned that i didnt have these memories i couldnt stop talking about when i was sick, and my father came to see me and told me it wasnt my fault that i was delusional. the doctors told me the same thing. but until my father spoke those words to me I didnt understand, I asked him how could God ever forgive me? I have spoken false witness, my father told me I couldnt control it, i was sick and God already forgave me. Years have passed and there are insecure moments when i believe he doesnt love me, and i have now a fiance who loves me, and i know it. because i know my father loves me, and does all he can to show it. He cant be the dad i wanted him to be, He cant be father God and i cant be Jesus, but he showed me great mercy in my darkest hour and helped me move on and heal. I still try to look beautiful, those make-up things i own they are fun to play with make me feel like a child an artist in life not just with oils and canvases. And I dont cry myself to sleep every night anymore. I can feel the love of God, in my heart, in every act of mercy and I like to paint my eyes and lips and put on a pretty face because I can look myself in the mirror and I know I dont need it, I enjoy it. And my fiance Loves me and he says, no matter the color of your hair, or the make up on or not on your face you are beautiful. So yes God makes you clean and beautiful, but after salvation you still need deliverance in life. You still need God’s make up, mercy and kindness, humility and forgiveness, and so when you put on the face, remember to look them in the eye, and smile….say in your heart I am woman hear me roar!!! and go and be beautiful inside and out!!! and always find time to appreciate the people in your life, and never say no one loves me. All that you need is in your grasp, it takes a heart ache to know what you need and compassion to fill us with it. Do not be afraid, your already forgiven, your already loved, just believe and have beauty eternal, inside and out.